What does it mean to be enough? Often, the measurement of this is taken based on the world’s expectations or perceived expectations of our performance and the way we show up in the world. Which is unfortunate because being enough should be an internal gauge, an internal truth. It should be a compass and a deep knowing that we uncover for ourselves because only we can truly know ourselves and accept that we are loved wholly and fully by a higher power for who we are.
This didn’t happen for me until age 47. I didn’t set out to know this enough-ness about myself. Finding it was the result of a deep curiosity and exhaustive search of external tools and resources to find a way to heal. I’d read all the right books and talked to all the right people when finally it became clear that there was real and hard work to do. No way around it. I just wasn’t sure how to go through it.
When I met Betsy Weiner of Amrita Health & Wellness at ModernWell I was drawn to her energy and her teachings based on Rod Stryker’s Four Desires. At this time I also understood that I was seeking something other than a business or life coach or therapist, all professionals who I’ve relied on and whose guidance has helped me immeasurably. I needed a soul seeker who could guide me deeper than the more surface level work I was keeping myself occupied with for years.
That surface level work offered me so much data. It armed me with tools, best practices, how-tos and role models. But to actually make this stuff stick, I knew there had to be more underneath the surface and within me. It had to be because I had reached a roadblock I couldn’t analyze or think myself around. I had to know more about myself and accept my pain, feel all of the feels, cry, be devastated or grieve if I needed to, whatever.
That’s messy and uncomfortable. I wanted to just skirt around it all. Do I have to? I’d ask Betsy. I had to constantly remind myself where the avoidance of acknowledging feelings got me for years. It’s called insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Based on my recovery journey, this was a loop I recognized and knew well.
I needed to recognize, accept and fully feel my feelings to make progress. After months of work reading, journaling, deep-dive sessions with Betsy and meditating, my heart and mind were open to and ready for soul-seeking work. Several profound concepts I’d never considered before including the creation equation, my dharma and my vikalpa (subconscious self-sabotage), all factored into uncovering truths and getting out of my own way.
At the completion of my sessions with Betsy, it was time to focus on a daily meditation practice to seed these concepts and self-truths and let whatever it is I should intuitively know about myself surface. I dabbled in meditation for eight months. I received glimpses of its power to help me know myself. I also struggled to commit to it daily, for which I gave myself grace and restarted. Numerous times.
After nine months, I committed to and accomplished a 40-day 20-minutes-a-day meditation practice. I used the same meditation by Betsy – Yoga Nidra 61 Points Practice, Enlightened Sleep – each day. Prior to each meditation, I chose one phrase of my dharma code (a code for how you show up in the world as your authentic self) to focus on.
There are four themes within my code. New to this journey, the most amazing revelations happened while focusing on this phrase: “Knowing I am loved, I heal myself and others.” The 61 Points meditation, practiced while lying down, has the meditator envisioning a blue light that moves to 61 specific points in the body. There is the universe, constellations, stars… all the matter. It’s a stellar, awe-inspiring practice that at first overwhelmed me, yet now brings deep comfort. It’s precisely where I created a soulful connection to the language “I deserve…” and “I am enough….” “I am loved perfectly as I am…” “There is nothing else I need to do or be…”
All of these moments arrived while not forcing. Not willing them upon myself. Rather, they occurred when all of the thinking and orchestration fell away. I deserve… I am enough… I am loved… I haven’t been able to completely capture in words how these essential core discoveries came about and what they meant and continue to mean. But like everything that seemingly serendipitously comes my way, like the book Love Warrior, if I follow the trail back long enough it was I who put it out there.
The universe knew about my journey and request to heal. An answer showed up in a text from a dear friend who knew of my soul-seeking journey: If you haven’t read Love Warrior by Glennon Melton Doyle you need to read it immediately… it’s a fast read and it’s devastating and it’s wonderful. It’s made me look at myself in a completely different way.
Agreed, Camille. Agreed. I just experienced Doyle’s memoir. I want to highlight so much of it. Post-it-note it and hand it to all of the people I’ve ineffectively communicated with or for those situations when I just didn’t have the vulnerability, truth or words to express my feelings.
The main post-it I’ll share here is one meant for me. It’s connected to my meditation practice in the spirit of the night sky. In the scene in the book, Doyle has finally heard “just breathe” from enough well-intentioned people to Google her location and “breathe.” Up pops a class near her for using the breath as a healing tool. She signs up.
During a guided practice, Doyle describes herself beginning to float up and out of the room into a night sky filled with stars…. losing all boundaries…. unable to tell where the sky ends and she begins… of being huge, endless, infinite… a returning of my soul to its source… there is no fear in perfect love… After the guided portion ends she described what she felt to her group. “I am forgiven. I am beautiful and loved. I’ve been trying so hard to be better, different. But I am perfectly loved. Just as I am. I never understood until now.”
This resonated so perfectly with the time, space and season of my life. It gives me hope and inspires me to share the imperfectness and my seemingly late arrival at enough-ness with others. Whatever your path, the work is hard, but it’s essential. It means your measure of enough is found through knowing your true self. I am definitely still working on this daily. It should be noted that the glimpses and the staying power of enlightenment is lingering longer and that’s more than enough reason to stay the course.